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Jan 27, 2015JCLChrisK rated this title 5 out of 5 stars
"I hadn't even noticed when the talk increased. Hadn't noticed when it got personal. Hadn't realized that Nick's stories had become tales of suicide. Of homicide. And mine had, too. Only, as far as I knew, we were still telling fiction." The problem is, Nick wasn't telling fiction. One May morning their junior year of high school, Nick pulled out a gun in the commons before school and started shooting people on his and Valerie's "Hate List." People Valerie had said she wanted dead, that deserved to die in gruesome ways. The Hate List notebook and countless emails and texts prove it. Once Valerie realized what he was doing she jumped in front of Nick hoping to stop him, getting shot herself and leading to his immediate suicide. Now she has to deal with the aftermath. The media and most of the community and possibly even her family have already judged her guilty, if not of being in on Nick's plans of at least encouraging them. The police might decide the same. And how could she not have seen it--was she stupid? Nick was the one person in the world with whom she shared a special connection, and they understood each other in ways no one else did--didn't they? Apparently not. Were people right, was it her fault all of those people died? She knows that's not true, so why can't she stop feeling guilty and forgive herself? And why can't she stop remembering Nick as the wonderful guy she loved even though she knows the monstrous things he's done? These questions barely scratch the surface of the turmoil Valerie has to deal with as she attempts to move on with life and even heal, if that's possible. Through Valerie, Brown is able to both articulate and depict one of the most realistic, complete examinations of the complex, contradictory nature of emotional tumult I've read. And even though I've only mentioned Valerie in this review, Brown does the same with Valerie's family, classmates, and community. The emotional realism is amazingly nuanced, as well as engaging, in this story about one of the most difficult situations imaginable.